Fearless Journal – Getting up the Courage on Ground Zero

There are still fears that consume me for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday – even though I am fricking 50. Even admitting my age, makes me quiver.  Let’s do a countdown on fears – just for this – admitting my age thing.

  • I am a woman, and 50 is death of attraction – at least in the eyes of most cultures and men.  This is what media sneers at me. And I have experienced this as well.  I have seen the glimmer of attraction in a man’s eye, and then a question mark.  He asks me my age.  And I think – “Oh, no, here we go.” I tell him, and I can see ( My fear has X-ray vision) his dick wilt in his pants as I pronounce the tee  of fifty.
  • I am at this age where I should be taking 20 somethings under my wing as a mentor with a fabulous career, showing them the ropes.  And I am more interested in playing the accordion, or writing a blog, or studying Italian, or gabbing with friends on the phone about near-death experiences than working on a portfolio so I can start a new career in Interior Design.  How will I ever get to the WHERE of anywhere – when I am living a life as if I were a kindergartner?
  • I have been single – in the sense of not having an “official” culturally approved relationship for over a decade … See the first fear.

And here I am making a treacherously thick fear soup, the aroma so strong and bewitching that I am starting to forget that I am actually happy.

I AM happy, because I have been satisfied with “just being” for months now.  But I do realize the significance of waking up in the middle of  one too-early morning a couple of weeks ago and realizing that THIS  is my year of Anti-Fear. (Year starts with September)  And I need to write about it, my process, and share it.  Because one thing we ALL share is that we have at least one fear or two that has us in a strangle-hold.  And -Dammit – I don’t want to be my Fear’s bitch anymore.

How I do this, over a year’s time, is what I plan to share, all the icky, naked,stinky, vulnerability, which makes me humbly human, hoping what I share will matter, or at least that I won’t be kicked when I am down.

So if we are going to count this thing – This is Day 1.

This is my 10 minute contribution – and then rewrite – for the Daily Prompt – http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/ready-set-done/

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9 thoughts on “Fearless Journal – Getting up the Courage on Ground Zero

  1. Pingback: They shall sleep hungry tonight, but, not by their choice.. | shivansh chaudhary

    • Thanks for that : ) This past year leading up to fifty – I was freaking out. And as an antidote to this freak-out state of mind – I told myself – I need to get real, and made a screensaver visionboard of beautiful women, many of them my age and older including Diane Keaton, Julie Chrystie and Annie Lennox. What I concentrate upon these days – is being healthy and vital … And reminding myself, that labels never stuck to me very well, they always kept falling off.

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  2. Just because someone asks your age doesn’t mean you have to tell them. Alternate answers: How old do you think I am? Why do you want to know? Guess. how old are you? Funny, but only one person in my entire life has ever asked my age, and he was tactful, (by mistake, I think) and said, “What are you, about 20?” (I was 29.) I ended up going with him for 2 years. Judy

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  3. Often I don’t tell my age when people ask. In the case of men, especially. But I run into a sort of moral conundrum when filling out things – say online profiles, where age is one of the fill-in’s. I don’t like deception, but on the otherhand, I hate being unfairly judged and stereotyped. Since 25, I have often dated men who were younger than myself, and as I have gotten older – the age difference between myself and some of the men I have dated has increased to as much as 15 years. Beyond the numeric reality – the age difference didn’t seem to matter in any significant sense, as far as I could tell. Call my cynical, but I figure, most relationships – unless they are leading to marriage, wouldn’t last long enough for the age factor to really affect things between myself and a lover/boyfriend.

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  4. Exactly. My two boyfriends before my husband were 16 years older and 20 years older than me. My husband was 16 years older. Every other boyfriend has been younger–usually 5 years. As we get older it is actually an advantage to have the man younger, since women live longer and age more slowly. In the long run, age is not a problem. I have a friend over 80 who has had two lovers 25 to 30 years younger who were madly in love with her. I think it boils down to finding the right person and then when personality and chemistry mesh, the rest is not a problem. judy

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  5. Pingback: What, Me Worry? | Cancer Isn't Pink

  6. My birth family has genes that turn our hair W-H-I-T-E by the time we turn 40-45. YET, our skin maintains fantastic elasticity and smoothness – when my Mom died at 92, she had snow white hair with the skin of a 30 year old. No kidding. No one bothers to ask my age, I think they see this white-haired woman approaching and think I’m in my 80’s. If I cared, I would dye my hair, but, I like it white, kind of reminds me of Pink, the singer! She’s got attitude!

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