There are still fears that consume me for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday – even though I am fricking 50. Even admitting my age, makes me quiver. Let’s do a countdown on fears – just for this – admitting my age thing.
- I am a woman, and 50 is death of attraction – at least in the eyes of most cultures and men. This is what media sneers at me. And I have experienced this as well. I have seen the glimmer of attraction in a man’s eye, and then a question mark. He asks me my age. And I think – “Oh, no, here we go.” I tell him, and I can see ( My fear has X-ray vision) his dick wilt in his pants as I pronounce the tee of fifty.
- I am at this age where I should be taking 20 somethings under my wing as a mentor with a fabulous career, showing them the ropes. And I am more interested in playing the accordion, or writing a blog, or studying Italian, or gabbing with friends on the phone about near-death experiences than working on a portfolio so I can start a new career in Interior Design. How will I ever get to the WHERE of anywhere – when I am living a life as if I were a kindergartner?
- I have been single – in the sense of not having an “official” culturally approved relationship for over a decade … See the first fear.
And here I am making a treacherously thick fear soup, the aroma so strong and bewitching that I am starting to forget that I am actually happy.
I AM happy, because I have been satisfied with “just being” for months now. But I do realize the significance of waking up in the middle of one too-early morning a couple of weeks ago and realizing that THIS is my year of Anti-Fear. (Year starts with September) And I need to write about it, my process, and share it. Because one thing we ALL share is that we have at least one fear or two that has us in a strangle-hold. And -Dammit – I don’t want to be my Fear’s bitch anymore.
How I do this, over a year’s time, is what I plan to share, all the icky, naked,stinky, vulnerability, which makes me humbly human, hoping what I share will matter, or at least that I won’t be kicked when I am down.
So if we are going to count this thing – This is Day 1.
This is my 10 minute contribution – and then rewrite – for the Daily Prompt – http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/ready-set-done/